Testimony

I know I have not written in a while. To be honest, I have been in a bit of a funk lately. Just feeling a bit down, and overwhelmed with life. I think some of my emotion has been brought on by this book. It is scary being this open with everyone. In a way it makes me feel sad. But, I have really gotten a lot of positive responses from those who have read it; so many that could really relate to my struggles.

I gave my testimony at church yesterday. I did it so I could officially introduce my book to everyone. But, there was another reason for sharing my testimony. I wanted to be open and honest with the people I have grown to love. I wanted them to see how God has been working in my life, and I wanted to encourage and inspire anyone who is struggling with something.

Here is the testimony I shared. I hope it inspires you:

What happens when you take a step of faith? You get asked to take another step, and then another; and with each step you take there is usually some kind of risk involved. God loves to nudge us out of our comfort zone because he knows it is the only way we will grow in our faith.

My comfort zone, as weird as it may sound, has been depression, and the different coping techniques that I have developed over the years. There is a familiar comfort in the sadness, and I find strength and comfort in things like food, or getting lost in my "Thought World." My "Thought World" is a place where I have control over what happens to me, and how I face and overcome what happens.

I am no expert on depression, but I know that there are different levels of depression. And, I have no idea what it is like to be in anyone else's head, nor can I feel their emotions. I do know, however, what depression feels like for me. This is a poem I wrote that will give you a glimpse of my struggles:

Depression
Light vs Dark
By Tammy Lochridge

I can turn it on; like a light with a switch.
Smiles, laughter, even some genuine good feelings.
It's easy; I know what it looks like. I even know how it feels.

But the dark comes just as easy, and just as quick; with the flip of a switch.
Sadness, loneliness, fear; wanting to shut down.
It comes without effort or invite; pops in like an old friend.

They're actually close acquaintances; light and dark.
Light appears evident; even felt inside, at times;
As midway through laugh, dark finds a place to reside.

It's kind of funny, when you know that darkness must go;
It's holding you back and making you slow;
It's bringing you down to the lowest of lows.

And yet, somewhere deep inside you crave how it feels;
Long to be a part of its world;
Find it to be a comfort and a strength.

I want to let it go and at the same time I don't.
There is so much uncertainty;
Living that new me I so long to be.

I have victory, I have overcome;
This I know.
Into the knew me I am free to grow.

But, how, when there is such a deep desire;
A longing within the dark:
A fear of how to live in the light.

As you can imagine, depression is not a fun place to be. I would love for it to no longer be a part of my life. But, at the same time, it has been a part of my world for such a long time that I am not sure how to live without it. At times I will feel excited and ready; determined even, to let go of the things that weigh me down; to take those necessary steps. But then, fear and anxiety set in. I fear that somehow, with out depression and all the comes with it, I will be lost.

I grew up in an unstable home. My dad was a verbally abusive alcoholic. I know very little about my dad's life before me, but, I believe that alcohol was his coping technique. Unfortunately, alcohol turned my dad into someone who was not pleasant to be around. Alcohol caused my dad to make some very bad choices in life, and my dad suffered the consequences of those choices.

You don't have to be an alcoholic to suffer the consequences of alcohol, though. I have been left with some emotional scars because of my dad's alcoholism. And, I have been left with some unpleasant memories and unwanted learned behaviors from my dad. But, God kept nudging me to reach out for help, and one day I did.

My journey began the day I finally obeyed God, and it has been quite the adventure. My own experience through this journey has taught me that the more open and honest I am willing to be; with God and with people around me, the more peace I find. Just getting it out there is like a weight being lifted off of me. It helps me to regain focus, and to find the strength and courage inside of me.

It is a hard thing, being honest and vulnerable, but hiding is so much more draining. Whether you know my secrets or not does not change who I am. I am learning to be proud of my struggles because they have grown me into the person I am today.

I still battle with the emotions of depression, and with some of the bad coping techniques that I had developed over the years, but God has provided me with the necessary tools to deal with them, and he has helped me take those necessary steps to get me out of my comfort zone and do what I need to do to keep moving forward; one step at a time.

God has helped me to understand that life is a process. We need each and every step in order to grow. This verse helped me to see that; "But I will not drive them our in a single year, because the land would become desolate and the wild animals would become too numerous for you. Little by little I will drive them our before you until you have increased enough to take possession of the land." (Exodus 23: 29,30)

So, even though my childhood came with struggles, and depression has become an unpleasant part of my life, I am thankful. I am thankful that I have a story to tell. I am thankful because I know that God will use it to encourage others who can relate to my struggles. He has given me the ability to let others know that they are not alone in their struggles. There are others on this earth that understand, and most of all, there is a God who understands, and can handle all that you have to give him.

We all have a story. God takes the tangled up threads of our lives that make up our stories, and he turns them into a beautiful Tapestry that will inspire all who see it. I believe that God does not intend for us to just show off the beautiful side of our Tapestry, though. I believe that he wants us to show the tangles up side, too, so that others can see the work he has done in our lives; the work that it takes to become the beauty, and Jesus has to be the canvas that he weaves our tangles threads through.

That is why I have chosen to take the steps, and face the risks of writing a very personal book about my struggles. This book is my way of showing how God is weaving my into my own unique and beautiful Tapestry. It is my way of letting you know that he can and he will do the same for you. It starts with just one step.