This Is Us - Kevin's Painting of Life (Episode Highlight)

I watched an episode of  "This Is Us" this morning. I was really inspired and touched by this one scene. It ties in with my book, Tapestry, and with the Women's Retreat I recently spoke at; which was also themed "Tapestry."



The colors of Kevin's painting in this clip reminded me of the backside of a tapestry. The backside of a tapestry makes me think about all of life's events, circumstances and relationships, and how they come together in this big, colorful, chaotic mess we call life. And, it is when we really examine that mess that we start to see how each and every thread is an important part of the process of God creating the beautiful tapestry that is ourselves. Some of you have heard me say this before. 



Well, Kevin's painting was a bit more focused. His beautiful, colorful, chaotic, messy painting was all about relationships. Relationships with no beginnings and no ends. Relationships that make us all one. He talks about our relationship with each other but, I think, it also applies to our relationship with God. Actually, I think it starts there.



Our Relationship with God is the most important relationship in each of our lives. It is in that relationship that we learn how to have healthy, loving, intimate relationships with each other. I know from experience that when I am not working on my relationship with God that all of the other relationships in my life suffer for it. This includes the relationship that I have with myself.



My Pastor has shared with us the theme that God has given him for our church for 2017, and that theme is SERVICE. Well, God has given me my own personal theme for 2017, and that is RELATIONSHIPS. I think they will tie in quite nicely with each other.



There are relationships in my life that need to be renewed, and ones that need to be strengthen, and I believe he is preparing me for new ones that will be developed. There are also relationships that need to end; like the one I have with depression.



So, that is what 2017 has in store for me. But, it is never too early to start. I have been working really hard at reading my bible more and spending more time in prayer with God because...that is where it has to start. And I have got to tell you, I feel lighter. I feel more hope and I feel excitement about what God has planned for this upcoming year.



This is where we have to be careful though. Sometimes the good feelings can cause us to feel like we've got this, on our own. That is an impossible idea. It goes against our natural design.



I know relationship can be a lot of work. They can be scary and sometimes feel like they are just not worth the pain, because true, open, honest, intimate relationships will involve pain at some point. But we are stronger, healthier, and just overall better people when we are in relationships and they are so worth it. Because...alone is just plain lonely.



I have to be honest though, and tell you that even though I have a lot of excitement about what God has in store, I have a lot of anxiety, too. I don't do well with change and this is going to require a lot of change in me. Again, this is where God is so important...He will guide me through.



Make the most of every relationship in your life. Remember, sometimes that means letting a relationship go. If you don't have a relationship with God through his Son, Jesus, then I am telling you that is where you need to start. It just takes a decision. Invite him in, then lay the rest in his hands. He will guide you the rest of the way.



I hope you enjoy this clip as much as I did.....

Surprisingly Wonderful Inside

A while back, while shopping at Meijer, I came across this book sitting amongst the journals. I opened it up to discover that each page had the first couple of sentences of a possible story, followed by empty space for a creative person to fill. I love to write, so I bought it, brought it home and then just never found the time to open it up again, until today. Just feels good to be creative. I hope you enjoy this short, short story. The story prompt is in bold letters.

It was just ridiculous enough to be true. Then again, she could be making the whole thing up. It was just so hard to imagine Diane’s father, the respectable banker who never left the house without a suit and tie, actually do what she said he does.

Ordinarily, he seems so stuffy and completely focused on business. He is very polite, but will only speak to you when necessary. And now that I am thinking about it, I don’t think I have ever seen him smile.

I have seen how he is in his own home, while visiting Diane; he is just the same. He doesn’t seem to know how to kick back and relax, or have fun. I didn’t think the word “fun” was even in his vocabulary.

But boy, every time I think about this unfamiliar side of her dad, it brings a smile to my face. She told me I had to keep it a secret. He doesn’t want anyone making a big deal about it. But it is a big deal!

Every Saturday morning, this man who appears to not have a silly bone in his body, trades his stuffy suit and tie for the most colorful clown suit I have ever seen (we snuck into his closet one day so she could show it to me). Then he puts on a wig and paints his face with a layer of happy-face makeup. The thought of it all makes me want to laugh out loud. I would just love to see him all dressed up like that one day.

Once he has completed his transformation, he gets in his car and drives over to the hospital. You see, every Saturday, Diane’s dad visits the pediatric ward there. He spends his entire Saturday going from room to room telling jokes, performing magic tricks and singing silly songs; doing whatever it takes to put a smile on the faces of those ailing little boys and girls. He will even take the time to sit and cry with them when their day just doesn’t feel worthy of a smile.

I will never look at him the same again. In fact, I will never judge anyone by their outward appearance again. Because now, when I look at someone I don’t know, or even while looking at someone I think I know very well, I will think about the surprisingly wonderful silly heart that was hiding under a proper stuffy suit, and I will remember that there is so much we don’t know about a person that is hidden under their outer shell.

Sharing is good for the soul.

The movie I started watching early this morning was over. I tell myself it is time to get off of my lazy butt and go for a bike ride. I really need to get my butt in gear; the race I plan to compete in is only about a month away...I really need to register for it, yet.

So, I gather my pack, my hat and my shoes, and make my way back to the couch to retrieve my phone. That is when I lose the momentum and sit down. I set the timer on my phone and tell myself, "Just 15 minutes."

So, I lay down, and the mind gets going, the emotions get stirring, and the tears start falling. My second bout of tears in two days. The alarm on my phone goes off and instead of getting up I find myself mindlessly playing games on my phone as I think to myself that I am just wasting yet another day.

But God is there and he knows my heart's desire. He gives me time to make my own decision before he intervenes. A text. It's my good friend; the one I just reached out to yesterday during my little meltdown. She informs me that she is vicariously exercising through me today. I think to myself, "Not with me slumped on the couch playing games on my phone." This is the motivation I need to get moving again.

I've been making a list. One I actually started about a year ago and abandoned. Its a list of gifts from God; of things that put a little smile on my face and a bit of peace and joy in my spirit. I am able to come up with 5 more gifts to add to my list on this hour long bike ride. Exercise for the well-being of my body and an awareness of God's presence for the well-being of my soul.

I don't understand why I am sensitive to depression, but I am. Between the fears of what readers of my book will think, struggles in lives of people I love, and the condition of our world these days; not to mention the pain I've been dealing with in my foot and hip; depression is weighing heavy on my heart, it is depriving me of sleep and taking away my motivation.

I want to keep it to myself. I want to be "normal." I don't want to weigh anybody down with my burdens. But God tells me otherwise. He keeps that desire in me to share strong and he blesses me when I obey. It always amazes me.

I have had some tell me, after reading my book, that they can relate to my struggles; they have been inspired and encouraged by my words; they thank me for having the courage to share. Sharing is hard, but it takes a load off. Sharing not only helps get my feet back under myself, it allows me to be a blessing to others. Wait! There is more! Sharing my struggles give others the opportunity to experience the joy of being a blessing to me. It truly is a great joy when something you say or do lifts the spirit of another.

I have been blessed by shared devotions and the obedient sharing of an entire chapter of a book; God put a nudging in her heart to do so. I have been blessed with prayers of others, and giant hugs, physical and digital. Even just a smile that says I'm here for you, or a simple gentle, reassuring touch can do a world of good to someone who is feeling down.

Sharing is something we have to learn to do, and it can be hard, for many different reasons. Take it one step at a time. It can simply start with just a smile, then go from there. Life is meant to be shared. God did not intend for us to do life alone.

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him." (Genesis 2:18)

Testimony

I know I have not written in a while. To be honest, I have been in a bit of a funk lately. Just feeling a bit down, and overwhelmed with life. I think some of my emotion has been brought on by this book. It is scary being this open with everyone. In a way it makes me feel sad. But, I have really gotten a lot of positive responses from those who have read it; so many that could really relate to my struggles.

I gave my testimony at church yesterday. I did it so I could officially introduce my book to everyone. But, there was another reason for sharing my testimony. I wanted to be open and honest with the people I have grown to love. I wanted them to see how God has been working in my life, and I wanted to encourage and inspire anyone who is struggling with something.

Here is the testimony I shared. I hope it inspires you:

What happens when you take a step of faith? You get asked to take another step, and then another; and with each step you take there is usually some kind of risk involved. God loves to nudge us out of our comfort zone because he knows it is the only way we will grow in our faith.

My comfort zone, as weird as it may sound, has been depression, and the different coping techniques that I have developed over the years. There is a familiar comfort in the sadness, and I find strength and comfort in things like food, or getting lost in my "Thought World." My "Thought World" is a place where I have control over what happens to me, and how I face and overcome what happens.

I am no expert on depression, but I know that there are different levels of depression. And, I have no idea what it is like to be in anyone else's head, nor can I feel their emotions. I do know, however, what depression feels like for me. This is a poem I wrote that will give you a glimpse of my struggles:

Depression
Light vs Dark
By Tammy Lochridge

I can turn it on; like a light with a switch.
Smiles, laughter, even some genuine good feelings.
It's easy; I know what it looks like. I even know how it feels.

But the dark comes just as easy, and just as quick; with the flip of a switch.
Sadness, loneliness, fear; wanting to shut down.
It comes without effort or invite; pops in like an old friend.

They're actually close acquaintances; light and dark.
Light appears evident; even felt inside, at times;
As midway through laugh, dark finds a place to reside.

It's kind of funny, when you know that darkness must go;
It's holding you back and making you slow;
It's bringing you down to the lowest of lows.

And yet, somewhere deep inside you crave how it feels;
Long to be a part of its world;
Find it to be a comfort and a strength.

I want to let it go and at the same time I don't.
There is so much uncertainty;
Living that new me I so long to be.

I have victory, I have overcome;
This I know.
Into the knew me I am free to grow.

But, how, when there is such a deep desire;
A longing within the dark:
A fear of how to live in the light.

As you can imagine, depression is not a fun place to be. I would love for it to no longer be a part of my life. But, at the same time, it has been a part of my world for such a long time that I am not sure how to live without it. At times I will feel excited and ready; determined even, to let go of the things that weigh me down; to take those necessary steps. But then, fear and anxiety set in. I fear that somehow, with out depression and all the comes with it, I will be lost.

I grew up in an unstable home. My dad was a verbally abusive alcoholic. I know very little about my dad's life before me, but, I believe that alcohol was his coping technique. Unfortunately, alcohol turned my dad into someone who was not pleasant to be around. Alcohol caused my dad to make some very bad choices in life, and my dad suffered the consequences of those choices.

You don't have to be an alcoholic to suffer the consequences of alcohol, though. I have been left with some emotional scars because of my dad's alcoholism. And, I have been left with some unpleasant memories and unwanted learned behaviors from my dad. But, God kept nudging me to reach out for help, and one day I did.

My journey began the day I finally obeyed God, and it has been quite the adventure. My own experience through this journey has taught me that the more open and honest I am willing to be; with God and with people around me, the more peace I find. Just getting it out there is like a weight being lifted off of me. It helps me to regain focus, and to find the strength and courage inside of me.

It is a hard thing, being honest and vulnerable, but hiding is so much more draining. Whether you know my secrets or not does not change who I am. I am learning to be proud of my struggles because they have grown me into the person I am today.

I still battle with the emotions of depression, and with some of the bad coping techniques that I had developed over the years, but God has provided me with the necessary tools to deal with them, and he has helped me take those necessary steps to get me out of my comfort zone and do what I need to do to keep moving forward; one step at a time.

God has helped me to understand that life is a process. We need each and every step in order to grow. This verse helped me to see that; "But I will not drive them our in a single year, because the land would become desolate and the wild animals would become too numerous for you. Little by little I will drive them our before you until you have increased enough to take possession of the land." (Exodus 23: 29,30)

So, even though my childhood came with struggles, and depression has become an unpleasant part of my life, I am thankful. I am thankful that I have a story to tell. I am thankful because I know that God will use it to encourage others who can relate to my struggles. He has given me the ability to let others know that they are not alone in their struggles. There are others on this earth that understand, and most of all, there is a God who understands, and can handle all that you have to give him.

We all have a story. God takes the tangled up threads of our lives that make up our stories, and he turns them into a beautiful Tapestry that will inspire all who see it. I believe that God does not intend for us to just show off the beautiful side of our Tapestry, though. I believe that he wants us to show the tangles up side, too, so that others can see the work he has done in our lives; the work that it takes to become the beauty, and Jesus has to be the canvas that he weaves our tangles threads through.

That is why I have chosen to take the steps, and face the risks of writing a very personal book about my struggles. This book is my way of showing how God is weaving my into my own unique and beautiful Tapestry. It is my way of letting you know that he can and he will do the same for you. It starts with just one step.

Satan is a liar!!

I was talking with my dear friend (my sister in Christ) the other day, and she was graciously listening to my moaning; depression has crept back into my life. She reminded me of Satan's job description, and she has continued to help me get my focus off of my emotions and on to God's power, and his love for me.

Satan is very good at what he does; lie, steal and destroy. He knows just how to use our weaknesses to work his way into our hearts and minds, and try to convince us that the lies he is trying to sell us are truth. He has no problem with working overtime, either. When there is something in our lives that goes against what he wants for us he will invest what ever time and effort it takes to get us on his path.

I think he might be a bit upset about my book. Tapestry is now in the production stage; it is actually the only thing in my life that is moving forward, right now. Unfortunately, I have fallen for Satan's tricks and I have let his lies rule my emotions and I have let my emotions rule my life. It becomes this vicious cycle, and I usually forget that it is him doing this. Instead, I start to blame myself. I start to feel defeated and chose to wallow in my misery.

Thankfully God does not give up on me. His Spirit is always hard at work, nudging me back onto his path. He provides me with all of the tools I need to succeed. I am especially thankful that he puts people in my life that help me stay on track.

My friend gave me an assignment to make a list of God's truths to use against the attack of Satan. This is not a new exercise for me, but I want to be obedient to God, and sometimes that means doing something over and over again (no matter how tired you might be of doing it) until it becomes second nature.

I spent some time yesterday working on this list, and when I came to the six item, I hit a road block. The verse I tried to pull a truth out of was; "Commit your way to the Lord, trust in him and he will act. (Psalm 37:5)

I could not understand the emotion this verse brought on, I literally got a headache from trying. So I spent some time today in Psalm 37, and this is what I was reminded of...

Satan is a liar!

I love this quote from Sue Birdseye in her article (If You're Struggling to Trust God in Your Trial, Read This; Charismamagazine.com); "If I can lift my eyes, even just a bit, I can see beauty in the beyond. If my view is only of my circumstances, they will overwhelm me. If my view is of my Savior, He will overwhelm me."

And Jan Smith said in his devotion (What the Devil Does Not Want You to Know; wordblessing.com); "What the devil does not want you to know is that EVERYTHING he says is a lie. Oh, he'll tell half-truths, mixing in a little bit truth with a lot of untruth. But those statements are like a pan of chocolate brownies...with dog poop baked into them! You would NEVER eat that if you knew what was in it. Neither should you eat the words of the Devil."

Now, I am a bit embarrassed to have to admit that I have been eating dog poop. But I am thankful for this little visual to help make Satan's future attempts very unappealing. And I am not going to let the fact that he succeeded into tricking me to taste such a thing cause me to beat myself up over it any longer. God give us free will and we make mistakes, and God allows us to make those mistakes sometimes so that we can learn from them.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says; "All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others."

"God allows trouble so we can show by way of our real-life examples how he works in the life of a believer...so we can be an encouragement and a comfort to others." (Jan Smith)

Through all of this, my eyes were opened, again, to the fact that that Satan has these little victories in my life because I am not putting my trust in God. That is a hard pill to swallow. That is a truth I don't want to face. God respects my free-will. "You (I) are the 'rope' in a spiritual tug-of-war." (Jan Smith) God is not going to force me his way, he wants me to want to, but he will not stop tugging, and he will honor whatever amount of faith I have to give him. He understands where my doubts and fears come from; he's been there and done that.

So, today I am choosing to get back on track. I am choosing to give God all the faith I have to give and trust that he will honor it. I will remind myself that God understands and he will not the last few weeks go to waste. I am human and he is patient, and he loves me, and I AM NOT THE PERSON I USED TO BE!
PRAISE GOD!

Tapestry

I was so nervous as I stood there in front of my fairly new church family. My body was literally shaking and my heart was pounding so hard I was sure that everyone there could hear it. I was about to reveal some of my deepest secrets with these people that I was just really getting to know.

That was about ten years ago. I was in the beginning stages of confronting some issues in my life, and it was time to do some confessing and to share with my fellow Christians what God was doing in my life. I had written my testimony in the form of a story about the Life of One Woman. That story was the beginning of my (for lack of a better term) writing career. Writing became a form of therapy for me as I've battled with depression. It helped me express myself when the verbal words just wouldn't come. It gave me the courage to reach out and ask for help.

Over the last ten years I have spent many hours pouring my heart out onto paper in the form of stories, poems, songs, and letters from God. And as my collection started to build I started to get the idea in my head to put them all together in a book. So, that is what I did; I bought this simple white quilted-front journal and I wrote down every creative writing in that journal.  I made sure to include the background story of each of my writings, and I titled the journal Me and God. I thought that was going to be as far as I took the book idea; a personal collection of my writings that I would share with whoever would listen; that was usually when I shared them in church.

The idea of writing and publishing a book started to become more of a serious dream of mine over the past year or so. So with a lot of doubt and fear I slowly worked on turning that journal into an actual book. Then few months ago I took the big plunge and I bought a publishing package. That meant there was no turning back. The doubts and fears that came with writing this book amplified.

I submitted my book about a week ago; it is actually in the process of being published. I am so excited, but I still have my doubts and fears because this book is more than a collection of my creative writings. In between those writings I have shared the story of my walk through depression. I decided to share some very personal things in this book because, well, quite frankly, I am just tired of hiding who I am. Depression can make you feel so alone. I know at times I felt like I was the only one dealing with certain issues. I felt like I was just overreacting about things. Depression can cause you to feel foolish and shameful about thoughts you think, and attitudes you have.

I learned that with each confession there came a sense of peace, and a new ability to focus. Each time I reached out to someone that I trusted and new would love me through there followed a new hope and determination. I also learned that being vulnerable with a trusted loved one develops a special bond between you. It can inspire and encourage others as they watch you work through those hard times. It gives others the opportunity to receive the blessing of being a blessing.

So, I decided to share my personal story because I want anyone who is struggling to know that they
are not alone. We are really not that unique. There are many out there struggling with a lot of the same issues. And, I decided to share my story because I want others to experience God at work as they see how he has and continues to walk with me every step of the way.

It is my hope that when you pick up my book that you will not focus on the details of MY story but that you will really focus on they way that God can and will work in your life if you will just let him. It is my hope that this book will either inspire you to really strive at developing a more intimate relationship with God, or if you have not yet asked him to be a part of you life that you will be inspired to even just consider letting him in. Just take is one step at a time, I promise you will not be disappointed. He loves you and longs to wrap his loving, caring, protective, comforting arms around you.